


Cake Baking

by elephant_bubbles



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Birthday fic for a friend, Cringy Word Use ahead, F/M, FOREWARNING, the worst is probably 'moist'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 00:55:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3468374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elephant_bubbles/pseuds/elephant_bubbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, all it takes is a simple comment about something to start a whole entire conversation about said thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cake Baking

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kamikaze2007](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamikaze2007/gifts).



> Inspired because of that weird Skype conversation we had about "cringy words". With much help (and many cringes) from this website: /nico-lang/2013/09/moist-and-28-other-gross-sounding-english-words-that-everyone-hates/.  
> Happy birthday! :D

Sometimes, all it takes is a simple comment about something to start a whole entire conversation about said thing. This was the case one afternoon between a certain couple, oddly enough when they had been trying to bake a cake for their friend's birthday.

"I just don't understand why they have to use  _that_ word on the cake box." John said, staring down at the box of chocolate cake mix that Jade had handed him. She had already started looking for the other ingredients in the cupboard where she had just pulled the box of cake mix from.

"What word are you talking about?" she asked, peeking her head back out of the cupboard.

"That word,  _'moist'_." he said, pointing. "It's just such a gross sounding word, and I don't think it should be used to describe something as delicious as cake."

She stared at the box a moment before coming up with an answer. "Well, would you rather your cake be dry and crumbly?"

"Well, no, but they could have used a different word than that one! Even 'wet' would have been better! You know, as in, I'd rather have a  _wet_  cake than a  _moist_  cake _,_  you see?"

She shook her head and turned back to the cupboard. "John, you're being silly. Just forget it and let's get this cake made, okay? Dave's surprise party is in a few hours and I'm sure he won't mind whether he has a moist cake or not, just so long as he has a cake."

"Fine, I'll help, but you can't stand there and tell me you didn't just internally cringe from saying 'moist', though." he said, setting the cake mix on the counter and leaning against it, crossing his arms and smirking at her.

She turned back to him, not returning a smile. "Listen mister, we are trying to make a cake for your best friend here. Just forget it and help me do this, okay? For real this time?"

"Jaaaade...moist." John said in a slight sing-sone tone, a grin spreading slowly across his face.

The tiniest smile tugged the corners of her mouth, but she managed to hold a straight face. "I mean it, mister. Refrain from using that word in my kitchen again, or there will be consequences."

"Come on, there's gotta be some words that make you cringe, too. What are they?" he asked.

"I'm so not doing this right now, John. We really need to be baking this cake." she said, pointing behind him at the box which had started this conversation.

"But Jade we are baking it, while we discuss words that gross us out. My best, or I guess worst, cringe word is moist. What's yours?"

She let out a sigh, also raising her arms to show her exasperated state. "John Egbert, if you treasure your sex life at all, you'll drop this right now and help me get this cake made! We just don't have time for these shenanigans right now!"

"Fine, fine. I was just wondering." he replied nonchalantly, walking over to the fridge. He opened it and took the carton of eggs out of the fridge and placed them next to the other things they had gotten thus far for the cake.

"Good." she said, standing on her toes to retrieve a large mixing bowl from the cupboard, before returning to the John and the box on the counter to start reading the directions. "Besides, you've already said the main one for me, anyway. I hate the word 'moist', too."

He laughed. "I knew it! There's no way anyone could like that word!"

"It's really a terrible word." she agreed, smiling, before becoming serious once again. "But seriously, let's drop it and get to work now, okay?" she asked, staring at him over the box.

"Okay, but there's just one more word I want to bring up, just to see if you feel the same about it." John said.

She sighed. "Alright, I suppose you should get all the words you need to out so we can actually be serious about this. Besides, I don't think anything can top the word 'moist', so..."

"How do you feel about the word, 'squirt'?" he asked.

"Oh God, I was wrong." she said, facepalming herself. "That word doesn't just make me cringe, it makes me want to punch something, and I'm not even sure why. Why did you have to bring  _that_  word up?"

"So I could see if I got that response from you. I can't stand it, either." John said, visibly shivering.

"Well, John, if you think that's bad, what about the word..." she trailed off, thinking.

"I thought you wanted to be serious, now." he said.

She nodded. "I was trying to be, but I just had to find a worse word to beat 'squirt'." Jade said, still thinking. "Oh, how do you feel about the word 'slurp'?"

He thought a moment. "Not as bad as the other two, but it still makes me feel a little uneasy."

"Agreed. What about 'phlegm?'" she asked, once again setting the box down on the counter. At this rate, it was never going to be baked.

"It's spelled stupidly and sounds gross." he replied. "How do you feel about 'secrete'?"

"That's a definate cringe-worthy word! Just how it sounds though, not really because of it's definition." Jade explained, her turn to shiver.

"I bet I can really make you cringe." John said, as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"Oh dear, John, what are you up to?"

"Just one second, Jade...okay, here we go, ready? This guy online compiled a list of the cringiest words on his blog and then used them all in a sentence together: ' _While still in my_ _panties_ _, I_ _vomited_ _from my_ _jowls_ _a chunky curd_ _of_ _phlegm_ _that was_ _dripping_ _with_ _roaches_ _,_ _maggots_ _, and_ _mucus_ _; and then I_ _gurgled_ _a_ _moist_ _egg_ _yolk_ _while I blogged about it.'_ " he finished, and looked back up at her. "Well, Jade, how's that for-"

She wasn't there, though. Jade had left before he had gotten a third of the way through the vile-sounding thing, unable to hear it.

* * *

"That was so disgusting and I hope the guy who wrote that is put in jail." Jade said, as she splashed cool water on her face from the bathroom sink. She had not  _actually_ been sick from it, thankfully; she had just needed a moment away and a splash of cool water to recover.

"It wasn't  _that_  bad. I still think that the word 'moist' is ten times worse a word than that entire thing put together." John said, leaning against the bathroom wall, watching her as she stared at herself in the mirror, her coke-bottle glasses off and cool paper towels on each of her cheeks. "Are you okay now?"

"As long as you don't mention any of those words ever again." she said, as she wiped her face. She then put her glasses back on and turned away from the mirror, facing him. "Okay now look, we are going to forget this whole conversation happened, and we are going to make Dave a birthday cake. Then we are going to take it to his house and commence the surprise party with Rose, and if you so much as start to say that word again, I'm making you sleep on the couch tonight. This has to get done, we've only got a little while left until it's party time."

"Relax, I'm not going to start that again. I saw how you got, and I assure you, it's over. I'm with you, let's get this business behind us and make that guy the best birthday cake he's ever had."

She smiled, making him feel a little better, and finished up in the bathroom. John stated to lead them back to the kitchen, where the incriminating box of cake mix and the other ingredients were still sitting on the counter, almost mockingly.

Jade paused in the kitchen doorway.

"You know John, maybe a store-bought cake would be better." she said. "I know he'll probably get mad about it because he likes his homemade cakes, but I really don't think I can stand to look at that box over there any longer." she finished, nodding over to the counter.

"I agree."

Jade sighed. "Let's clean this up, then. We can try again another day when we haven't had such a strange conversation before."

"Or we could give Dave the box and pretend it's his cake." John suggested.

"We could do that, if you want to get punched or something. You know he wouldn't like that." Jade said.

"We could explain our reasoning behind why it's not a proper cake and he might forgive us." John tried, shrugging.

She shook her head. "Just grab your jacket. We'll stop at the market on the way. I like your face the way it is personally, and he'd probably rearrange it quite badly if we just brought him that box."

"You're right. Okay, let's go."

* * *

As like most other years, they had all successfully surprised their friend with another surprise birthday party. Rose had planned the most part of it this year, everything down to the cake, which was the deal they had made at the beginning of the planning, that John and Jade would cover that.

It was a little hard to explain what had led up to the cake being store-bought instead of being homemade without too many details, but somehow they had managed to scrounge up a story...that was, up until after cake time when Dave had started pestering the two to tell him this instant why his cake was not homemade.

"You really don't want to know, Dave, trust me." Jonh tried to explain, pushing his empty, crumby plate away from him and leaning back in his chair.

"Oh, I see how it is. You two have a secret. That's cool, I guess...keeping a secret from your dear friend. It's not like it's my birthday or anything, and I'm pretty much dying to know. But it's fine, like I said." Dave ranted, also pushing his plate away.

"Well we would tell you, but you did just eat." Jade piped up. "And I wouldn't want to make you have it come right back up again."

"Yeah, real talk, Jade almost threw up when I told her- uhm, something." John quickly caught and stopped himself before revealing the big secret. Dave looked at the pair from over the top of his glasses, and then looked at Rose, who shrugged, smiling slightly.

"I have no idea what they're talking about either. Perhaps it's best to let sleeping dogs lie in this case." she replied.

"Oh my God, Jade's dog did something to my cake? Is that why you brought this...this  _imposter_  cake instead?" Dave asked, slamming his fist down on the table.

"Bec didn't do anything to your cake, Dave, it's just an expression. He was outside the whole time while we were...discussing things." Jade said, glancing sideways at John, who actually shot her a smile at this.

"Alright, that's it, you two. Either spill the beans as to why you're acting so weird, or leave. The door's right there." Dave said, pointing over their heads to the door of the apartment.

"Dave, don't be so rude. It may be your birthday, but that does not mean you can kick your best friends out because they won't tell you something." Rose interjected.

John sighed, the smile fading. "No, he's right, Rose. Keeping secrets from your friends isn't nice. So we'll tell you, Dave; I just hope you don't have the same reaction as Jade did." John said.

"I thought so. Well come on, I'm waiting Egbert." Dave said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Okay. It all started when Jade handed me the box of cake mix from the cupboard..." he began, a small grin already on his face.

In the end, it probably would have been better if, as Rose had put it, they had just let sleeping dogs lie.


End file.
